Flu. Shot. Fever. Sing it with me! Enthusiastically now! To the tune of
Cat.
Scratch.
Fever!
I shouldn't make light...I really shouldn't.
Flu Shot Fever is serious affliction, and there isn't nearly enough awareness out there.
I'm including a Fact Sheet about the little epidemiological data available concerning this baffling and horrifying disease.
FSF (FLU SHOT FEVER)
What is Flu Shot Fever?
Flu Shot Fever is a rare and highly specific psychosis caused by unknown factors, though it is often precipitated by exposure to advertising quips such as "Get a Shot, Give a Shot" or "Be a Flu Shot Hero". It most commonly affects people in North America, specifically the United States. It is not a true fever as suggested by the moniker, which actually refers to the feverish ravings of the afflicted who commonly shout, "Why aren't we ahead of our flu shot goal!?! We should have given 20% more than we had last year at this time!" or "It doesn't take any longer to administer additional vaccines than it does to give just one!"
Who gets Flu Shot Fever?
Flu Shot Fever is found in every state of the United States, though it is notably less common in North Dakota, likely due to lower populations of corporate pharmacy supervisors. It has been found in both rural and urban environments, with no notable differences betwixt the two. Disease outbreaks occur predictably, beginning in early August, although recent models show cases increasingly appearing as early as July. People seem to become affected with Flu Shot Fever through contact with other affected individuals in the same line of occupational activities. People at higher risk of infection include healthcare workers and those who supervise them.
How is Flu Shot Fever spread?
Flu Shot Fever is found in healthcare employees, though in contrast to other ailments that affect healthcare employees, it paradoxically seems to skip over front-line healthcare workers and only affects those functioning in the district and/or regional management levels and above. Flu shot fever then spreads from person to person through attendance at corporate planning meetings and/or conference calls. This can happen when attendees are indoctrinated with outrageous beliefs, which are then propagated throughout entire companies as if they were fact.
What are the symptoms of Flu Shot Fever?
Symptoms of Flu Shot Fever include delusions, inability to analyze mathematical data, hysteria, loss of human empathy, manipulative behaviors, sadism, and, in some cases, unexplained and excessively frequent, frenzied emailing. Many of these symptoms are similar in pattern to instances colloquially referred to as "mass hysteria" or "mass psychogenic illness." Sufferers become convinced that their subordinates have the capability of administering inhuman numbers of vaccines if they'd only try harder, regardless of any realistic constraints such as supporting staff, regular workload, number of hours in a day, and actual population of the area served by the facility.
How soon after exposure do symptoms appear?
Symptoms usually appear within minutes after exposure to corporate planning meetings, though some slower cases manifest within 2 to 21 days.
How is Flu Shot Fever diagnosed?
If Flu Shot Fever is suspected based on the person’s symptoms and exposure to corporate planning meetings, he or she should be isolated (separated from other people) and the local health department should be notified. Management of the pharmacies and medical practices supervised by these individuals should be turned over to the applicable front-line healthcare workers who are unaffected by this illness and retain the capability to utilize clinical judgement concerning how much work can safely be done in a given period of time.
What is the treatment for Flu Shot Fever?
There is currently no approved medicine to treat Flu Shot Fever. Treatment consists of supportive care and stress counseling for those unaffected healthcare workers who are subjected to maniacal raving of the afflicted for weeks on end until the illness abates. This typically occurs in late January of the following year after symptom onset, though reactivation sometimes occurs in tandem with late-season influenza outbreaks.
How can Flu Shot Fever be prevented?
There are several steps to take to prevent Flu Shot Fever when living in the United States:
Avoid accepting management positions above the store or practice level.
Avoid contact with corporate managers.
Do not handle items that might have come in contact with a corporate manager, such as PowerPoints, patient-facing materials, fliers, and advertising banners.
Avoid participation in corporate meetings or conference calls if at all possible.
Flu Shot Fever is a serious illness because its effects extend beyond just those suffering the "fever" - healthcare workers and community members suffer the ill effects of aggressive quotas, severe understaffing, and intimidating and threatening behavior. Please share to increase awareness of this dangerous affliction!!
****NOTHING IN THIS POSTING SHOULD BE CONSTRUED TO INDICATE THAT FLU VACCINES ARE NOT AN IMPORTANT PUBLIC HEALTH TOOL. YES, YOU SHOULD GET ONE IF YOU DO NOT HAVE ANY CONTRAINDICATIONS.
**also yes, thank you to the Virginia Department of Health for allowing me to base this around their description of Ebola.